Self truth and self pity

I could go on and on about how people don’t like me and this girl and that didn’t want to be with me…

But you know what? It’s me.

I’m a miserable boring shit.

I’d be less boring if I could talk without getting to self conscious or let people talk over me or shit like that.

And I’d be less miserable if I didn’t always feel like the outsider. Alone and unwanted.

But that’s the catch 22 right?

It’s like when you are looking for your first job. But you can’t get a job without experience and you can’t get any experience without a job.

I can’t be confident without a reason for being so, but I can’t attain that without being confident.

Those things you don’t want to hear.

Last nights posts rambled on in a slight drunkly way, so I’ll keep this one short.

And of course it’s about she who I may be infatuated with.

Well we came out of our rooms at the same time… Although you could probably hear my TV being paused but…

Anyway, she goes on to tell me how she’s been looking at hotel rooms this afternoon… For a guy who’s coming over from overseas soon.

For the first night, she says.

For lots and lots of sex, she says.

To put it bluntly.

She

I came home around midday or so. the girl I may have an infatuation for was home, she was with company so I nodded hello and moved on.

She then went off to walk them to the… train, maybe? I’m not sure.

I was having a smoke out the back not long later and she came out. Called me by name (only the second time) and came out to chat.

We then somehow wound up weeding the yard. Pulling out nettles, while I told her I only had an hour until I had to leave.

I helped her with her bed – she’d just gotten delivered the missing parts and now could assemble it correctly.

When it was time for me to go, she was pulling off her jumper – ‘Did I put a shirt on under this?’ she said out loud.

Doesn’t matter, I told her. I have to leave.

We talked a few minutes longer. And I told her again, I had to leave.

‘that’s a shame,’ she said quickly.

‘What?’

‘Nothing,’ she said.

We worked out that we both may or may not be home later in the evening and that we both may or may not see each other…

And I left.

Fast forward to this evening, she has some company in the form of a young dancing cousin over and practically ignores me.

I figure it’s this – She likes company, someone to talk to… otherwise it’s irrelevant.

I keep thinking though, we had this talk the other night… She told me she believed that girls felt more than guys… and I told her that it was the opposite.

Because, you know, it is.

But it was a nice afternoon with her… shame I had to leave.

Shame she’ll forget I exist a minute after I move out of this place and I’ll keep thinking about her.

My Day of Disappointment

Three appointments in one day? You gotta be kidding me! Imagine if they all worked out to benefit me? Life changing! Hope I don’t have a bad day, it could fuck up everything.

And yet… it came to nothing.

Well, almost nothing. I did get my crazy pills.

Crazy pills for less feels.

So, I went on an outing today. Headed out around nine in the morning. My first appointment, Well I got let off due to technical error.

But then I had to spend an hour on very slow moving computers just to work things out – which I gave up on and went home… I have to remember to fix up that form! EEp!

Then after a failed attempt to pick up mail from my old house and a quick stop to the shop, I headed home.

Then – check next post.

Then, I went to meet my sister to head over to the doctor.

The doctor asked me those type of questions I never know how to answer – about myself. Horrible topic for me.

After some testing and stuff, she gave me some pills…. some make me less crazy pills.

I hope they work… see next post for one of the reasons why, but I just hope I’m perceived less as a loser and/or asshole. that’d help.

I was going to be late to see the room I was really interested in, so I called the guy and he thought it was tomorrow anyway.

So that got postponed as well.

Should of Told Her She Looked Good

So much has happened since the last update! Since asking me to move out earlier, I’ve actually gotten along better with my housemates – It’s not because of that but just because that’s how long it takes people to get to know me.

Anyway, this post is half about the girl I may be infatuated with and what I have going on today.

So, Day before yesterday – or Saturday, as I like to call it – I ended up running into her in the hall where she started telling me about what was happening in her reality show.

Not long later, she offered to make me some tea… Although we didn’t end up drinking it together, but we chatted while she made it.

That afternoon she was getting ready for some party – we were all having drinks, my housemate had a friend over and we were all outside.

‘You havent seen me all dressed up, have you?’ she asked.

Also, something incredibly funny happened on her reality show. Something I’d been wondering if it’d happen for a while. When it did, she told me and we went in and watched together.

Before leaving, she came out and sat with us a few minutes. I noticed her eyes wander over to me a few times. Was she hoping I would tell her she looked good? Was she wondering, ‘ what’s that creep looking at?’

Maybe I should’ve just said something. Probably makes no difference either way.

But then there was yesterday! Yeah nothing much happened at all with her – although I think she subtly mentioned sleeping with some guy… maybe. Unless I was over-reading the comment.

Either way, okay sure… But I don’t particularly want to hear those stories and that was coming close.

Maybe just her way of saying, ‘not for you.’ But then I didn’t really need to be told.

Anyway, on to today. Talk about a busy monday.

Not only do I have that Doctor’s appointment I’ve been looking forward to – get me on some meds finally, after all these years.

I have a room to look at which I’m actually hoping to get. It’s not far from here and it’s right by public transport and other shit. But that and the amount they’re asking just makes this the perfect place.

So, maybe by this afternoon I’ll have a new place to live and a new medicated outlook on life.

Who knows, I may be able to start over and stop being such a fuck up.

In Addition to the previous post

Like, she came out to where I was sitting at the fire – told me some story which I didn’t get the point to (half because I was pretty baked and drunk)

But then we were talking…

It was about her only keeping up with a few people while others move in and out of her life…

It’s sad when people you want to keep in touch with, don’t… I said.

Yeah, she looked at me.

And then I asked if she thought she’d keep in contact with me.

And now, here I am obsessing over all the things she said… even though I should be forgetting everything and looking elsewhere.

when she came home earlier it was just after I woke up – I crashed for a bit with all the wine and… other stuff… and I heard her opening the front door.

I quickly put on the tv in my room so it seemed like I was already up and heard a faint whisper of, ‘oh shit.’

STOP OBSESSING!

okay, bye

I Wish I was Normal and Attractive and Other Stories

It’s been a couple of days hasn’t it? I actually had to have a look back at my last posts to see where I was up to in this life thingy-ma-jig…

I’m kind of surprised that it’s been a whole week. But what an emotional week it’s been… the highs, the lows, the even lowers, and yet, I’m still sitting here as the lonely, sad-as-ever, fuckup.

Let’s begin with my current issue – I’m not drunk enough to be sitting up in the middle of the night hearing the bed thrashings of the girl I hold a current infatuation with while concerned about money and where I’m going to be moving to.

Maybe I’ll finish this bottle of wine by the time I finish this post.

So, going back – I didn’t do much over the weekend. On Sunday, however, I left the house fairly early in the morning and made it a quarter of the way to the train station before realising I’d forgotten my light… I decided to pass by the corner store and just fetch my own back home… Bad idea – as the girl I may have a current infatuation with was saying goodbye to some guy.

I then chatted to her for a while before heading out.

That night I don’t remember too much as I had A LOT to drink and smoke and I do remember chatting to her for a while but I can’t really remember what was said.

We hung out the next day – we went out for lunch (which was SPENSIVE) and then spent the afternoon drinking tea and watching some reality show she likes…

It was a pretty nice day… But then everything changed the next day.

I went out in the morning and when I got home she was a bit avoidy… Nothing in particular but enough to set of my ultra-paranoia (and I believe now that that was all it was) (Unless it was something I’d said something to saying something to someone I managed to not say something drunkenly to)

And I was also told I needed to move out a month earlier than expected.

I freaked out then – mental meltdown style – and called my sister for some drinks and a talk.

Long story short – I spent the night on her couch after drinking myself into a stupor and spent the next day with her watching movies and looking up new places for me to live.

When I got back home the girl I may have a bit of an infatuation for had gone to her parents (which she didn’t get back until tonight)

I had a bit of a hang out the following evenings with my soon to be ex-housemates and tonight we made a fire.

Now, my housemate who is the boyfriend of the girl I go to art school with, told me that he’d hoped that we’d still hang out after I moved – I’d think it was a just being nice thing but I can’t see a reason for saying it.

For example (and on the other hand) a little later I was talking to the girl I may have an infatuation for and she was talking about how people move in and out of her life and there are a few who stick around… and the question came up (and by that, I mean came out of my mouth before my stoned ass could stop it) of whether or not I was one of those who pass through or stick around.

Stick around, she told me.

That, there, I could see she was just saying it to be nice. Because I asked.

Anyway, that’s where we get back to now. Kinda jealous that it wasn’t me in there with her while the bed was knocking the wall, knowing that it’ll never be me, and getting drunk and writing about it.

Oh, and I have a doctors appointment on monday – I’m hoping some medication will actually make me less of a loser.

I think that’s everything.